Here is what NOT to do:
1) Do not get loaded of your rocker and drive your four wheeler from Town A to Town B 18 miles away.
2) If you DID that, please, upon arriving in Town B, DO NOT steal a 1970 diesel flat bed dulie farm truck with a water tank on the back from the one of the town's largest farmers who also happens to be our neighbor and drive it from Town B to Town C five miles down the road. While you are still loaded of your rocker. It just isn't a good idea. Really, it isn't.
3) Upon arriving at Town C, it would NOT be in your best interest to turn left on to Main St. from Route 36 and cross two oncoming lanes and go around a car (oncoming) and then turn in to Friendly's parking lot. In. front. of. a. cop. It is a REALLY bad idea. Trust me on this one.
4) Assuming you still are not listening to my advice and you have done the above three things, the worst thing you can do at this point, when the cop drives around and shines his spotlight on you is to get BACK in the stolen truck and take off up Route 36. On 36, your maximum speed will ONLY be 60 mph because the truck you stole is, after all, a FARM TRUCK. Used for watering fields. Oh yeah, did I mention that it is not registered, not insured or anything of the sort? Yeah, right now, you are racking up some serious tickets. Remember, you are still LOADED.
5) Leaving Route 36 and going up Route 21 toward Town B is also not the greatest of ideas. That would turn your non-high speed police chase into a VERY SLOW one. You can only go up the hill at a shuddering 10 mph. Who knows, maybe you are trying to get back to your four wheeler.
6) Once you get back into Town B, turning onto Cream Hill Rd probably isn't very smart either. See, it is pavement, but then turns to dirt, and immediately on the change from blacktop to dirt, you will find yourself heading into a 70 degree corner. Chances are very high that you would wipe out 20 feet or more of guardrails and then go over an eight foot embankment into the stream and muck that feeds the reservoir.
7) After landing, please know that if you jump out of the truck and are now fueled by tons of adrenaline as well as alcohol and you start running, all of the police that have been chasing you in their cars would then tackle you and you would wind up face first in the reservoir. I just want you to know this so you can be prepared.....
If you didn't listen and you did all of those things, then, I have to get called out and get out of my warm cozy bed at 2:30 in the morning, and, well, that just doesn't sound like fun to me. When I get there, I'll have to help put a C collar on you and get you strapped to a backboard. I will have to listen to you tell all of us how stupid you were for doing this, mainly because you just got off probation for the very same thing. And because this is not your second offense, it is the third time that some of these very nice police officers are arresting you for this. And because you are supposed to go fishing tomorrow. Personally, I don't think you are going to make that fishing trip, but that is just my opinion. All the way down to the hospital my colleagues and I will have to ask you all sorts of questions, try to keep you awake, and listen while the very nice police officer reads you your rights. So, just keep in mind next time you think this might be a good idea, it isn't. You probably didn't really think this one through that well the first time... or the third... Hopefully I won't see you in a few years when they let you see the light of day....